No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
