question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
