You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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