two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
