I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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