sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
