Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
