If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
