OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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