i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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