You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
