There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
two words: eviction party
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
