Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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