I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
