My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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