Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
