haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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