my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
