he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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