my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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