I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
