I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
