It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
