life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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