i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
