I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
