I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
