I am in a vortex of obligation.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
