On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
