idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
