i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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