He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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