I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
