He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
