ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
