Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
