toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
