I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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