her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
