You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
