Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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