Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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