Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
there is glitter all over my balls
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
