I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
