what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
