nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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