that's an acceptable place to lick
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
