she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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