Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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