so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
