I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
pray to the hookup gods
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
